Minimum Opacity

April 14, 2017 § Leave a comment

The name of this blog was carefully chosen and, I thought, rather clever – my being one of those artsy-fartsy types. But I haven’t really lived up to it.

When I was younger, my then-beau gave me a useful life tip in the middle of a personal crisis. He said that he never posted anything negative online–not his blogs, and eventually, not his Facebook or Twitter. He was always a very cheerful person, and he noted to me that omitting the sorrier details of his life helped him to focus less on them.

I have been doing this thing, mostly, ever since. I don’t like to make my dramas public, though sometimes it can’t be helped. And I usually don’t like to talk about my depression or bad moments unless I think it can be of service to someone.

But I realized today that putting a good face on everything is great a lot of the time, but it isn’t particularly honest.

2017 has flown by even faster, somehow, than previous years, and I don’t have a lot to show for it. Last year, 2016, was incredibly painful for many people, including myself. I posted a little bit about it at the time, and had written up some of what would be a lengthy blog post about my side of the issue, but every time I tried to put the story into words I felt more and more exhausted by the whole thing.

I still don’t want to go into it now, and I probably never will. Dredging up all that crap doesn’t feel illuminating or useful, it feels miserable, but suffice to say that 2016 was like a big forest fire that altered my life irrevocably and left me feeling burnt out.

But as is the case with so many apocalyptic situations, I got a little bit out of it. Namely, the thing I always get, and find most valuable: the knowledge that I am not abandoned, and a sense of utmost gratitude to the people who stuck by me, whether they were close friends or colleagues. In this instance, “stuck by me” does not mean “blindly agreed with all of my actions.” Sometimes it means “told me when I was really, seriously screwing up.” And those are the people I’m most grateful for, even if I was not always ready or able to follow good advice.

Still, I was left with a sense of lingering dread and malaise that has not gone away. Work feels like slogging through treacle. My shrink disappeared and took my prescription for my anti-anxiety meds with her, and I’m barely functional.

In spite of that, I’m actually pretty happy, which I know sounds weird. I’m in a strange place in my life, waiting on a tipping point that I can sense but can’t see. I know that something massive is going to change in my life, and I don’t know what that is, but it all feels extremely impermanent. In order to deal with myself, I’ve been sort of getting back in touch with the young person I used to be. I’ve been writing for myself, and drawing again. I’m a lot more confident in the writing because I’ve kept it up as work-for-hire and I’m happy with all of the stories I’ve written for work, but I’m also trying to just do things and not worry about how confident I am about the finished product.

I will be 30 years old in a week, and I’ve been navel-gazing as a result, and trying to snatch happiness out of the doldrums from any corner I can find it. This means returning to the things I used to love, that I put aside because I felt embarrassed about them, or because I have been mono-maniacally focused on work for the last 5 years.

We also recently brought a new member of the ETG team on board, and she’s got a ton of experience in marketing and sales, and she’s doing a great job so far.

But the crux of the issue is, work has been hard for me lately, and it’s, as my mom used to say, a local problem. Hopefully I will be able to get my head a bit more in the game as we get further into the year and slough off some of this mental goo.

Moving forward, I’d love to start blogging about more, different things. Stuff I’m reading or watching, stuff I’m doing, just… you know, life stuff. And interspersed therein should be updates about ETG releases and projects.

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